What is ‘Lead with Love’?
Quite simply, it’s about seeing past the gambling addiction to the person themselves. It’s about putting love first.
We all know the words from the Bible: ‘Love is patient, love is kind’. Yet when it comes to gambling harm, we often forget to apply them. To others, and to ourselves.
Gambling harm comes with a huge amount of shame and fear of judgement. So much so that we don’t reach out for the help we deserve or offer the support we are capable of. This only isolates people, and risks driving them deeper into their harmful behaviours. But we can change this.
‘Lead with Love’ is a powerful call to:
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Be kind to yourself if you are experiencing gambling harm. Remember ‘You are Not Your Addiction’. Recognise everything else you are and the good things you represent: caring aunt, devoted mother, respected father, hard-working son etc. Know you are worthy of love and support.
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Overcome your fear of speaking up and offering support if you are affected by gambling harm. Remember to view to the person not as a ‘problem gambler’ but as the loved sister, amazing grandmother, valued community member etc that they are. Talk to them in a way that preserves their mana.
How do I put Lead with Love into practice?
Here are some simple ways to ‘Lead with Love’ in your own situation.
If you're worried about your gambling behaviour
When times are tough, gambling can feel like hope. A quick fix. But as a way to earn money and take care of yourself and your family, it is far from a safe bet. Win or lose, it can be hard to stop, and that is often when things begin to spiral. You may spend more than you planned, chase losses, and feel like you have to keep going.
If you’re concerned about your gambling, don’t bottle it up. Talk to someone you trust. Check out our tips for starting the conversation.
Remember: You Are Not Your Addiction. You are so much more. Think of all the ways you show up in the world: valued workmate, fun uncle, caring grandmother, beloved cousin. These are who you really are.
Don’t wait for the perfect time. It might never come. Seize the moment.
Know that you are worthy of support.
Share what is worrying you. Eg “I used to play the pokies for fun, but I worry it’s getting a bit out of hand. It’s stressing me out.’
Take advantage of a time / place that feels safe and comfortable. Eg out on a walk, in the car, over some kai
Be specific about ways your loved one can help. eg “If I take out cash for what I need during the week, would you keep my bank card for me?” It may be something else, like help with budgeting or even just being someone to talk to.
Remember: You Are Not Your Addiction. You are so much more. Think of all the ways you show up in the world: valued workmate, fun uncle, caring grandmother, beloved cousin. These are who you really are.
If you are worried about someone else
In times like these, it is easy for people to turn to gambling as a solution or a way to get ahead. It can be frustrating and painful to watch, but the best way to help is to lead with love. Do not be afraid to speak up and let them know you are there for them.
Remember you’re doing this out of love. Focusing on your ‘why’ will give you courage and clarity
Open the chat with something positive, eg ‘I love the way you always make time for your niece’ or ‘You are so good at [x, y, z]
Ask questions they can’t say just ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to. eg, ‘How are things going for you?’
Try not to interrupt them or argue. Let their words flow.
They don’t want to talk? Don’t give up. Say ‘I’m here when you are ready.’
If you are nervous, practise what you want to say with someone else first
Don’t rush the conversation. Be open, stay present.
Reassure them that no one is judging and that you understand it’s tough.
Use ‘I’ phrases like ‘I feel’, ‘I notice’. It will make them feel less defensive.
Tell them they’re not alone. Explain about peer support and point them to services that can help.
Think where you will both be most at ease – taking a walk? Sharing some kai?
Start gently, eg ‘You’re not yourself lately. Anything you want to talk about?’
Be vulnerable. Share your own stories. It will help them open up too.
Let them know you are there for them. Ask outright, ‘How can I support you?’
Resources
We’ve created a range of in-language flyers and posters to share what it means to ‘Lead with Love’ and where people can go for support.
These resources are free for you to download, print, and display in your church, gym, or community space – helping reach those who might need it most.
We’d love your support in sharing these with your community. Materials are available in English, Samoan, and Tongan.
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